Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Breaking the "Sister Code" One of My SL Pet Peeves and a Timely Facebook Post

I've occasionally posted SL pet peeves and always include my frustrations with girls who break the "Sister Code".  This seems to be a hot topic in SL at the moment in some circles and there have been quite a few rants, beliefs, recommendations, comments etc about some situations involving the Sister Code otherwise referred to as the "Girl Code".  I've selected one Facebook post in particular to start this blog post as I think it's a nice summary.  I actually was simply going to express my opinion as a response but got too long winded as usual, erased it, and asked permission to incorporate the original and my comments into a blog post, so here goes.
Special thanks to Kristin Craig for her Facebook post as follows (mine is after hers here) and can be found in original form with many responses here:

"I had taken this down cuz it was so long of a read and I wasn't trying to contribute to any recent dramatics on FB...this isn't meant to call anyone out...

Ramblings on a Monday morning...
" I had taken this down cuz it was so long of a read and i wasnt trying to contribute to any recent dramatics on FB... this isnt meant to call anyone out...

Been seeing the words "girl code" a lot lately. People have been making fun of it as well.. Those that do make me wonder if youre not one of those shady bitches that "girl code" is referring to.

before ANY of you get it twisted here. This post isnt referring to ANYONE in particular. So get over yourself if you think Im using this to point a finger at you. If something i say here resonates in you, then its up to you to figure out why it does. Im not going to sit here and entertain any petty bs remarks about it. Im not your mother nor am i the FB police... (sad I even have to make that disclaimer anymore)IM going to ask that if you feel the need to make a comment on this.. dont use my post as a passive-agressive way to incite an argument. Own your shit and say what you mean but dont expect me to sit here and police what you and others say on it. Ya'll are adults..act like it.

Girl code is about not being a basic bitch. Its morals and ethics.Its basic human nature... and seriosuly, to make fun of it is like youre saying you have no humanity....People act like it is something that many seem to think of as old fashioned and trite. Guess I'm old fashioned and trite. Its the whole.. "sisters before misters thing Im referring to.

We as women need to empower each other, Not tear each other down. this "code" for me while it may not be written down anywhere.. its more just a way of saying have some ethics and CLASS.

as in any friendship circle.. you look for people who have the same moral compass, the same outlook on life. I get along with those that seem to be made from the same moral fiber.

Im not here to say I am more morally correct or more ethical than anyone else is. I just know that there are certain ways I conduct myself in both RL and SL.

I dont date friends ex's. Ive had it done to me and the feeling is lousy. It ruins friendships iv'e taken time to cultivate. Any relationship that ends, you need time to grieve the loss of that person in your life. Seeing them still around you in the same circle you travel in makes it very difficult to get past the end and the hurt. Is this "code" or is it simple human nature?

If your man is hitting on me, Im going to tell you. Yes, thats right guys, we ladies talk to each other. Ive even gone so far as to call someone out on their behavior in front of the whole group of friends, just to make the point that I know what everyone else was going thru from that same person. This goes both ways tho ladies. Your bad behaviour and insidious and insipid remarks dont go unnoticed. When you act like a catty bitch behind a friends back, eventually, that friend is going to find out about it. Why? because people dont always want to see you get away with shit behavior. They enjoy the dramatics as well and will even go so far as to try and incite you to say something so they can go running back to the subject matter and stir the pot.

I don't date people I work with. Especially people who have "rank and power" over my job. Thats a recipe for disaster in the making. Relationships arent perfect, People arent perfect. Hurt people act irrationally and sometimes a little more evil than they should.

This next one is not going to be well recieved but hey, we are talking MY ethics here, not anyone elses.

I dont date married men. I dont date men in "open" relationships.

For me, thats just robbing me of any future I think I might want to have with someone I cant have. This is torturous for me. And frankly, I think its a little selfish. If something is missing in your relationship, that you have to go outside of it to get from someone else.. then why are you IN it? Its not something I understand and therefore not something I choose to indulge in.

Im not going to be your "dirty little secret" I have value and wish to BE valued. If you have to keep me hidden away from people because youre doing something you shouldnt be doing, how do you really thingk thats going to make me feel? I was once ( a LONG time ago) very much in love with a man who ended the relationship, 6 months later got married.. and then reconnected with me wanting me to be near him so we could rekindle the relationship. It KILLED me inside to say no.. because I really did love this person and it had taken me years to get over them. I once thoght I would have done ANYTHING to be able to be with them again..until that. I didnt know his wife, but I knew I wasnt going to be fair to her or to myself by indulging in that. I was setting myself up for failure right from the start should I had chosen to go that route.

more "girl code" stuff. I COMPLIMENT girls. If i like their hair, their clothing, their smile.. Im going to say so. We NEED to be more nice to people. It doesnt take much effort to be kind and find something about someone. You really just dont know what sort of day they have had and such a small meaningless act can have such a profund effect.

One thing i WONT do however, and this may go against someone's ideas of "girl code" I am not going to automatically HATE someone simply because you cant get along with them. That highschool shit is for teeny-boppers and insecure people.

One more random thought. I dont tell secrets. If i learn things about you during our friendship, and that friendship ends. I dont then turn around and spll everything you've ever said to me. In the long run, that makes me look untrustworthy in someone elses eyes, no matter how much they may have enjoyed hearing about those juicy little tidbits.

I dont know.. maybe I am just rambling on cuz I am bored waiting to go into my treatment this morning. You dont have to like what I am saying here. I am not here to judge anyone or put them down. I just know that these are a small part of the "code" that I refer to. Theres so much more that could be said or added but I think you may be tired of reading this by now. Kudos to you for finishing it all if you did!"
And here is what my reply was going to be but just kept getting longer and longer so I figure meh, I have a blog, I can say and do what I want on my blog, I'll just put it there... so if you are curious about what my thoughts, hopes, and desires for girl friends (friends that are girls) regarding relationships with exes or guy friends, in SL about this topic are, here we go with my response: :

I totally agree and very well said.

However there are times I've found that those who say they adhere to some form of what I have always referred to as the "sister code" at some point hit it off with a friend's partner, end up in friendly flirtation, and later believe it was "meant to be", "soulmates", or whatever and step in if/when the guy goes for it because the excitement of the first girl has dwindled for him. They believe they belong together and the first girl should even be happy for them that they found each other/the right partner. I've personally heard this more than once after a girl got with her best friend's ex and had even been running around with the guy behind the back of her friend for a little while before it came out in the open. They truly felt she should understand.

I THINK it's more likely to happen between women friends as it seems women hang with girl friends more than guys hang with just guy friends in SL. But no offense to anyone here as we know it can go both ways and I'm just using this as an example regarding the "Sister Code" issue. (Also using the term girl instead of women per the girl code general term, again no offense)

I totally agree with the "sister code" and more likely will pitch a little fit then totally back off if it appears a guy I've been hanging with is even looking twice in another direction vs kicking it up a notch. I figure It will just be someone else next month for him anyway most likely. Probably his next girls' best friend. There is easy access there.

In time I've even seen plenty of girls try to make friends with a guy's girlfriend so they can have more time with the guy they are drawn to and his main girl thinking all is cool friends in between them not realizing something more is happening. I call this the if you can't beat them join them plan.

But it's SL, which doesn't excuse bad behavior but some things do need to be kept in perspective. Definitions of misbehaving also differ vastly.

There are some social groups that are fairly small and paths and dating criss and cross between members. My bottom line is I do believe if two people/girls are friends and there is a break up with the first girl and her guy, some semblance of decorum should be adhered to at the very least out of respect to past said friendship and if they want to date a friend's ex there should be a reasonable waiting period. There can be many variables such as the extent of the prior relationship, length, intensity, if it went RL or not, etc and should all be taken into consideration by friends. If the girls were true friends in the first place then they will know what is too soon or can even ask how their friend feels about it.

Sometimes they've even already been dating behind the first girls back and this is even more hurtful especially when after the couple breaks up and they/the 2nd relationship then publicly hook up immediately. Most likely the new relationship also won't last forever then what will girl 2 do, go back and try to be good friends with girl 1 again?

It's SL so I wont go so far as to say never date a friend's ex ever. The dating in SL in certain circles seems to go round and round so not sure I'd go that far. . Also there is a fine line between how close friends people are like close the girls chat daily vs just being on each other's contact list and seeing each other out or talking once every couple months.

But this is just my opinion for what it's worth. In the end each person behaves by their own set of rules (some dont seem to have any) in SL and it's often hard to be sure of exactly how others are working the SL. There is also a sense of anonymity that allows some to behave differently and even worse than they might in RL. Not everyone lives or plays the same way which can make "getting" SL difficult. It's often hard for me to accept that people are not always going to play and behave in SL as I would like for them to or as I would, but that's the way it is in RL and seems there are even more extremes in SL. Some will always just say "lighten up". Fine until it happens to you.

I like the things you've said (above post) and hope everyone can get along. The breakups as well as the drama can be so hurtful and even when trying hard to behave it can sometimes LOOK like a person is not behaving but their actions might just be based on information they've been given by someone (like the guy himself possibly saying the prior relationship is not working out) about a relationship that may not be completely accurate or is changing fast, so there are so so many variables to the relationship etiquette in SL even for those who try to have good manners. Some are "playing" for fun and some are "playing" for real. I'm not trying to be on any high horse myself, Ive made my own mistakes in SL in time as I think most have but I try hard not to hurt anyone along the way and I also try to be as forgiving as possible in a bad situation because it is SL and there are others who will play nice. I feel much of the drama is extremely juvenile but some can be very real and painful because some people do get very close in SL.

I also wanted to highlight her paragraph about building each other up, complimenting and supporting each other.

I guess I just wanted to have my say too. LOL ok I almost wrote as much as your original post, so Sorry, wanted to chime in.

Thanks blog for letting me vent.


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